Photographing Memory: A Friends To Lovers Romance Read online

  “I’m so sorry I had to stay home today, Anna. I just couldn’t. I was —”

  “Alex, you’ve never taken a minute of sick time or vacation time. Don’t worry about it, okay? And I’m not surprised you ran out of steam. We’ve been working pretty hard lately.

  “I took a look at your workload and it’s been insane. Between my projects, and your regular job, and then doing half of Chad’s job, too, I mean, it’s no wonder you’re here into the wee hours every day. I’m surprised you’re not here even later.

  “That’s ending, by the way. I had a word with Chad’s supervisor, and we’re not having any more of this doing Chad’s job for him crap. He can do his own work.”

  Alex’s chest hurt. If he couldn’t do the job, he’d get fired. Helping Chad out was just part of the dues he had to pay to get ahead and build that stable ground for himself — he needed that more than ever. “Anna, I don’t want to complain. I haven’t minded the work, and it’s given me a good view into some other areas of the industry.”

  Jordan sat up beside him and wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist. Alex relaxed a little bit against him, taking some comfort from his support.

  “I know you don’t want to complain, Alex.” Anna’s tone softened. “And I’ve got my suspicions about why. Nevertheless, what Chad’s doing is profoundly abusive, and it ends. The deed is done. I’ll make sure it’s well documented that you didn’t complain about it, and that you didn’t request the action I took. Okay?”

  “Thanks, Anna.” He breathed again.

  Anna took a deep breath. “So, I’m not prying here, and I’m not trying to force a confidence you don’t want to share. That would be inappropriate. Your performance is, as always, fantastic, and you’re not in any trouble or danger.”

  Alex’s heart raced, so much that Jordan gave him a funny look. Alex couldn’t help it. Those words were big red flags, coming from a supervisor. “Ma’am, whatever I’m doing wrong, I’ll fix it. I swear.”

  Anna sighed, but there was a little bit of humor in her voice as she replied. “There’s nothing wrong, Alex. You’re doing amazing. Even Harrington was a fan of your work, remember? We’re deploying it out across our money management services.

  “I’m just … well, I’m a little concerned for you. You’ve been exhausted, to be honest, and like I said, I think I’ve addressed part of the reason. And you’ve been jumpy as hell for the past few weeks.

  “Are you coming down with something? Are you in trouble? Do you need help?” She lowered her voice. “Is Chad getting worse? Because his dad may be an EVP, but he is not untouchable, and I will absolutely go there.”

  “I’m pregnant.” Alex blurted the words out as fast as he could. He didn’t want to get Chad into worse trouble than he already had, and the bank would find out eventually anyway. “I’m sorry. There’s no pill for guys, and these things just happen—”

  Anna squealed with what sounded like delight. “Oh my God, Alex, that’s amazing! Congratulations! I’m so excited for you! When are you due? I’m guessing the father is that activist guy, what’s his name, Jordan?”

  Alex smiled, and Jordan patted his shoulder. “Yeah. And, um. He’s also expecting.”

  Anna lapsed into stunned silence. “Can that happen?”

  “Yeah. Apparently. It’s like a one in a billion chance, but I guess it can happen. I’ll make sure doctors’ appointments don’t interfere with work more than they have to, and I’ll make up the time, I promise.” Alex blushed. His hands trembled as he spoke, and Jordan clasped them in his own.

  “Alex, this is important. This is your health, and your baby’s health. Those really need to be your priority. I know you’re a good and loyal employee, and that’s awesome, but you’re no good to anyone here if they put you on bed rest.”

  Alex clutched at his chest. He hadn’t thought about bed rest. He knew it was a dim possibility that happened to some people, but the possibility of enduring it himself had never occurred to him.

  He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t afford bed rest. How was he supposed to afford a place to put a bed in if he couldn’t get up and go to work?

  Jordan took the phone away from him. “Hi,” Jordan said in a deceptively mild voice. Alex could barely process it.

  “This is Jordan, Alex’s partner. With whom am I speaking?” He paused to listen. “Ah. Hello, Anna. Alex seems to be having a panic attack.”

  Jordan listened again, and then he relaxed a little bit. “Ah. Okay. Well, thank you for that. I’ve been trying to get him to take care of himself too, so it’s good to have some backup. Yeah, I’ll text you my cell phone number and make sure we have open lines of communication. I’m pretty fond of the guy myself, in case you hadn’t noticed.” He chuckled. “Okay, good. Talk to you later.”

  Jordan held Alex and stroked his hair until Alex came back to himself, feeling miserable and embarrassed. Everything in him felt shaky. “I can’t believe this,” he sighed, unable to look Jordan in the eye. “I’m such a mess.”

  “Well, you’re exhausted and anxious, and that’s not a great combination. Hang out for a minute, and I’ll make you some tea.” Jordan gave him an amused look. “Decaffeinated, I think.”

  Alex perked up. “Coffee, maybe?”

  “Definitely not.” Jordan slipped his jeans on and disappeared downstairs. He came back five minutes later with some tea and toast. “Hey. So let’s talk about this. You’re obviously really worked up about this pregnancy. Is it really that bad?”

  Alex bit his lip. “You’re amazing. And when we sit down and make a plan, I feel like we can do this, you know? But that plan is … well, it’s precarious.

  “Everything is balanced on absolutely nothing going wrong. If one of the babies is sick and needs special care, we’re screwed. If something goes wrong and one of us needs special care, we’re screwed. I haven’t adjusted the budget for child care for two babies instead of one, because I shake so bad every time I go to open the program.”

  Jordan took Alex into his arms. “Honey, I had no idea it was this bad. I thought we’d worked through all of this after we talked to my folks.”

  “For a while, when we moved to Texas, we lived out of the car.” Alex swallowed hard. “And I’m not blaming my parents, you know? They did the best they could, and we eventually got a studio apartment, and then we got a trailer. But it was hard, and everything was always right on the edge. And I just — I can’t put our kids through that. I can’t put my parents through that again. I just can’t.”

  “Alex.” Jordan gave him a little squeeze. “What you have is anxiety — like, a legitimate illness. It stems from something real, that you experienced, and those are real and legitimate concerns. But you can’t control it, and your reactions are extreme. You need help.”

  “I know.” Alex bowed his head. “But I can’t afford it, and I can’t afford to take the time away from work. Not when I’m already missing time for baby appointments, you know?”

  “I think it’s probably better all around, at least in the long term, if you take the time to go to therapy. You couldn’t do meds, but you could definitely do therapy. It’s your choice, and I get why you’re making the choice you are.

  “I have an idea that could help in the meantime. It’s something that’s helped some friends of mine who’ve coped with anxiety over the past few years.”

  Jordan met Alex’s eyes, and Alex felt perfectly safe and loved. He took a deep breath. If he could never have another panic attack in front of people again, he’d try anything. “What is it?”

  “Do something creative and meditative. Some folks knit. Some folks crochet. It forces you to concentrate on the thing you’re doing just enough to get your mind out of that spin cycle it’s on. Do it at night, before you go to bed, and it will help you get to sleep better. It’s not going to work right away, but it’ll get you some of the way there.”

  Jordan held Alex’s hand. “I’m serious. This isn’t me pestering you to get back into art again, this
is something that works for a lot of people. It’s not a cure-all, but it’s part of a process.”

  Alex closed his eyes. He’d always scoffed at meditation as such, but if he could do something with his hands instead of sitting idle, he’d give it a shot. “Would sketching count, do you think?”

  “Sure. I’m not an art therapist, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t.” Jordan grinned, and Alex’s chest loosened up.

  He reached down beside his bed and pulled out the blank sketch book Anna had left on his desk. “My boss caught me doodling during a meeting and left this for me the next day. I was mortified,” he added with a chuckle. “I thought for sure I was going to be fired. But no, she really did just want to encourage me.”

  Jordan beamed. “I think you should start today.” He reached into his bag and grabbed some pencils.

  Everything in Alex, every wall he’d built for the past nine years, rebelled.

  He took the pencils and opened the sketchbook to the first page. At first, his mind was completely blank. After so long, he couldn’t think of anything worth drawing.

  Then a baby’s head took shape under his hand.

  18

  Jordan looked at his in box and groaned. Everyone and their mother was organizing right now, and he knew — he knew — he should be out there with them. He knew it because he’d been working for a better world since birth — or before, to hear his parents tell it — and he knew it because his father never let him hear the end of it.

  His father wanted him to join in the protest at the Greek consulate, down near the Common. The protest was to draw attention to treatment of refugees in Europe.

  Jordan sighed. Yeah, the plight of European refugees in Europe was pretty terrible. It was terrible everywhere, and Greece was one of the few countries trying to accommodate the flood, despite the fact that their own economy was in the throes of a crisis. Jordan didn’t think protesting the few people willing to make some effort to help would do much to ameliorate the situation.

  Furthermore, Jordan knew the people who had organized the protest. He knew they hadn’t pulled a permit. What was more, the FBI’s pet snake, Gus, was on the committee. Jordan had tried to explain to his father that the whole protest was a setup, but George wasn’t the type to listen.

  Jordan might have sat this one out anyway, on the grounds that it was ineffective. Now that he was pregnant, and Alex lived in daily terror of Jordan getting arrested, he didn’t think going around and essentially challenging cops to fight him was something he should be doing. Especially not for something he wasn’t sure he supported.

  He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was shirking, but he pushed it aside. He wasn’t shirking, and he wasn’t lazy. He was a good man who wasn’t in the circumstances to take those risks anymore. He had more than himself to consider, and it was okay to admit his parents were wrong about some things, even if it felt like blasphemy to say it out loud.

  His phone rang, and he looked up. It was seven-thirty. When he looked down, the caller was Alex. Just like clockwork.

  Between Jordan and Anna, they’d cut back Alex’s workload until he was only working twelve-hour days. Only. Jesus Christ. Well, it was better than it had been, and he’d take it.

  “Hey, Alex.” He smiled into the phone. “How’s it going?”

  “Well, they haven’t fired me yet.” He took a deep breath. “I’m ready to head home.”

  “I’ll be right there.” Jordan headed out to the bank.

  He took the train, even though it would only take about half an hour to walk there. Now that November had arrived, it was just too cold for that kind of thing. Pregnancy had made Jordan intolerant of the cold, and he was going to listen to his body.

  Part of him felt stupidly self-indulgent, and he knew he was damaging the environment, but the train would run whether he took it or not. He could justify it that way.

  When he arrived, Alex was waiting out front. “Hey, aren’t you cold?” Jordan asked him.

  Alex nodded. “I just didn’t want to get caught up in something else.” He laughed a little bit, although it wasn’t the most mirthful sound. “I’m being good, really I am. I’m pretty sure they’re going to sack me for it, but until then, I’m being good.”

  Jordan fought not to roll his eyes. It wasn’t Alex’s fault. Between the pregnancy and everything he’d been through, the anxiety was something he couldn’t control. Jordan would have to help him through it.

  “Anna’s on board, remember?” He kissed Alex’s cheek, took his hand, and walked with him toward Park Street. Maybe it was chilly, but they couldn’t have a good conversation on the train. It was too loud down there.

  “Anna’s amazing. I’m so lucky to work for her. But not everyone at the higher levels is supportive, you know?

  “I haven’t put in the time or paid the dues to get a pass on taking time off to have a kid, or to do things like take off in the middle of the week to go deal with a sick kid. Or come in late because of a doctor’s appointment, honestly.” Alex sighed. “I’ll deal with it, and they can’t legally fire me because of it, but I’ll be the first one on the chopping block at layoff time.”

  Jordan shook his head. “Not with the kind of work you’ve done and the kind of effort you’ve put in.”

  “Chad said there’ve already been rumblings.” Alex squeezed Jordan’s hand.

  “Chad’s just jealous because he didn’t get to be the one to make you pregnant.” Jordan longed for the day when he could break that ridiculous nose of Chad’s. It was wrong of him, and he knew violence wasn’t the answer, but Chad would be a lot less of a douche if someone brought him up short once in a while.

  “No, breaking up was his idea. I’m glad we did, don’t get me wrong, but it was all him.

  “Anyway, he grew up in the bank and its culture. He knows these things. He’s being kind, telling me what’s going on and all that, you know?”

  Alex sighed. “I’m just — I know there are some people who still have some pretty old-fashioned ideas about people who get pregnant, you know? They shouldn’t be out in the work force, they should stay home.

  “And there are some people who have ideas about guys who prefer guys, too. And they’ll work together to keep me from advancing, and to make sure I’m the first one to go when the axe falls. And they already know you were one of the organizers behind getting the city to divest from the bank.”

  Jordan stopped in the middle of the street. “Wait, how?”

  “They just do; I don’t know how.” Alex shrugged, eyes on the ground. “So if anything happens, like you getting arrested again, I’m out faster than they can say Lopez.”

  Jordan bit down on the inside of his cheek. Alex wasn’t responsible for what Jordan did, and it wasn’t right for Alex’s job to limit Jordan’s choices.

  “If the bank tried to drop you for any of those things, I’d sue them into the stone age. We’ve got lawyers who’d do it for free, just to stick it to Charles River Bank. Don’t test me,” he warned.

  “But it’s not going to happen, all right?” He took Alex’s hand again. “I’m not doing anything that’s going to get me arrested, and no reasonable person expects you to be responsible for the things I do. Okay?”

  Alex took a deep breath. “I know. And I don’t want to be the guy who sits there and tries to control his partner. I fell in love with an activist, and that’s who I’m making a family with.”

  Jordan stopped again, on the sidewalk this time. He didn’t drop Alex’s hand. “Did you just say you loved me?” he asked, tilting his head to the side. Something in his chest flared up, a little flicker of something he couldn’t quite identify.

  So far, he’d just been going along with what happened. He’d been happy about the babies, but he hadn’t felt hopeful or despairing about the future. It just kind of was.

  If Alex had said what Jordan thought he’d said, that changed everything.

  Alex blushed. “Yeah. I said I’m in love with you.” He met Jordan’s eyes
squarely, without flinching. “And I’m not ashamed of it, either. I’m terrified of what the future holds, but as long as we’re together, and act in the best interests of our kids, we’ll handle it. Right?”

  “That’s right.” Jordan kissed Alex, not caring they were on a street corner. He couldn’t have been happier.

  “And I understand you’ve got your fears. They’re real for you, and we’re not going to downplay them or pretend they’re not valid. They are. We’re going to take them seriously, and we’re going to make sure you’re as comfortable as can be.”

  “No arrests.” Alex rested his head on Jordan’s shoulder for a moment. “And we’ll both take care of ourselves, physically and mentally.”

  “That’s right.” Jordan slung his arm over Alex’s shoulders. “Are you sure you’re ready to tell the guys today?”

  “Might as well.” Alex smiled. “They’ll figure it out when we’re both showing, and they should have a chance to find a new roommate and everything.”

  Jordan laughed, and they continued on to the subway. It being a Friday night, the Green Line was already foul with dirt, spilled food, and a splash of vomit in the rear car.

  “Another Friday night in Allston,” Alex said, with a sigh and a smile. “I’m not going to miss this.”

  Jordan wouldn’t either, although he kept his thoughts to himself. They hadn’t found a new place yet, but he was confident that between the two of them, they’d come up with something soon enough. They got off the train at Harvard Avenue and started the long, chilly walk over to the house Alex shared with the rest of the guys.

  By the time they arrived, the rest of the roommates were there too. Even Devon was there, which surprised both Jordan and Alex. He just smirked at them.

  “One of the other guys was absolutely desperate to go to a thing on Monday night, so I picked up his hours. He had to pick up one of my nights in return. I’m so loving the lack of drunks!”